Dear Etty, 

A committee chairperson sent an email to me and other committee members with a proposed meeting date.  In response, I informed the chairperson that I wanted to attend but I could not meet on the proposed day.  The chairperson then informed us by email that she had decided upon the date she first proposed.  I am furious that the chairperson did not respect my needs. I had something important to share with the committee.  At this point, I am not sure I want to be part of a committee that does not value me.   Is there an ethical angle? 

Bruised Ego 

Dear BE, 

Your situation asks what to do when something goes terribly wrong with an interaction?  If the goal in ethics is to establish relationships based on mutuality, you could try for a “win/win” outcome. Your challenge is to break established behavior patterns.  First, consider whether you would be willing to forego blame (fight) or resignation (flight).  

If so, does the following approach work for you?  “I was disappointed that I could not attend our last meeting because I had information to share.  I regret not having told you about this circumstance.  I wonder whether you would be willing to discuss different approaches to scheduling and confirming meeting dates.”     

Ethical behavior sometimes requires acting to achieve connection.

 Etty